Kathy Hillman: Precious pearls: Partners in ministry

I often wear pearls. Two strands hold special significance. The first, missionaries Norma and Stan Foskett helped me purchase in Hong Kong on a mission trip. The second, Mother passed down to me. She and I shared pearls as a symbol of the women in our sorority at Baylor.

Kathy HillmanFrom the description of King Xerxes’ banquet in Esther to the 12 pearl gates in Revelation, the Bible uses pearls to represent great value. Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to a pearl of great price worth all a merchant possesses. Unlike other jewels, pearls grow inside living organisms. Gems like diamonds must be cut and polished to reflect light. Pearls shimmer from within. However, pearls are soft and easily scratched by the harder jewels and should be handled gently with loving care.

Texas Baptist churches hold valuable pearls who serve as ministers’ spouses. We sometimes put them in jewelry boxes and expect them to be available whenever and wherever needed. Often, we don’t understand the stress that comes with marriage to a minister. Occasionally, we honor them. Several of my encounters as a nonminister’s wife offer glimpses into their lives.

Two strands of Kathy Hillman’s pearls—one purchased in Hong Kong, the other a gift from her mother.The first occurred at a women’s retreat at Highland Lakes Camp. A pastor’s wife with preschoolers asked if we could talk. She poured out her heart about loneliness, criticism and a rarely present husband. Few young mothers were members of the congregation, and warnings of potential jealously kept her from getting too close. I had no experience but could listen, pray and connect her with a friend who understood.

The second happened when I spoke at a Woman’s Missionary Union meeting. The associational director enlisted a 30-something pastor’s wife to sing. At the Saturday brunch, I introduced myself and asked how things were going. She told me. Two church members died that week after lengthy hospital stays, and her husband officiated both funerals. She had a PTA obligation the one evening he was home, and the family, which consisted of school-age children, hadn’t been together all week. Their youngest cried when she left that morning. In a moment only God could orchestrate, when I took the podium after she sang, I explained about her family’s week and sent the happily astonished precious pearl home.

The Hammer family: Clint, Julie, older son Caleb and younger son Micah.I once stayed with the widow of the much-loved former pastor of the church where I was speaking. Later, I made the offhand statement to the pastor’s wife that it must be hard to have Marleta Chadwick still in the church. “Oh, no,” she said. “It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Any time there’s a hint of criticism, she says things like: ‘Do you know how hard it is to be a pastor’s wife? You have to get everyone dressed and on time to church on Sunday mornings with absolutely no help.’”

I saw that firsthand the year John and I taught the 2-year-old son of Columbus Avenue Baptist Church’s children’s minister. After helping her family get ready for church, Julie Hammer arrived early for the 8:30 a.m. service. Clint had responsibility for getting Micah and Caleb to Sunday school and preparing his own classroom. Recently, a college friend who married a minister shared he was a little hurt after surgery when his wife left him to visit church members in far better shape.

At the 2013 workshop for ministers’ spouses – Kathleen Hardage and Donna Vernon (front row); Kathy Hillman and Sara Rangel (second row); Sonya Stevenson (third row).How then can we treat these partners in ministry with the love and respect due precious pearls? As churches and individuals we can:

• Pray for them.

• Love them unconditionally and praise them lavishly without criticism.

• Allow them to exercise their spiritual gifts, not expecting them to be unpaid church employees or to take every unfilled volunteer position.

• Provide opportunities for couple time—babysitting if needed, restaurant or movie gift cards, overnight at a hotel, etc.

• Respect family time.

• Keep confidences.

• Show appreciation through words and actions.

• Affirm friendships without jealousy.

• Remember, we’re not perfect, either.

Ministers’ wives Doris Trotter and Cecile Dagohoy at the 2014 workshop for ministers’ spouses.In 2013 and 2014, Kathleen Hardage, longtime pastor’s wife and spouse of the Baptist General Convention of Texas executive director, and I hosted workshops for ministers’ spouses during the convention’s annual meetings. Panelists made themselves available as mentors or to find mentors. Other ministers’ wives have committed themselves to assist in transitions to new churches. To make a connection, contact Joe Loughlin at [email protected].

Pearls glow softly with shimmering luster as they reflect and absorb light. I pray we will absorb and reflect Christ’s love as we treasure those precious pearls whose spouses serve in our Texas Baptist churches.

Kathy Hillman is president of the Baptist General Convention of Texas. She also is director of Baptist collections, library advancement and the Keston Center for Religion, Politics and Society at Baylor University.