Same-sex marriage not only is approved by the U.S. Supreme Court. It now is approved by the U.S. Congress. Congress calls the legislation “Respect for Marriage,” but all Congress has done is define what marriages are legal. It’s up to us to define how marriage is respected.
This leaves churches that do not affirm same-sex marriage with some choices. They can focus on regaining enough cultural and political dominance to reverse laws allowing same-sex marriage, even though the well-organized efforts of the last 40 years toward that end have not succeeded.
They can withdraw from the surrounding society much like the Amish and some Mennonites, though the success of this tactic is also in doubt.
Or they can winsomely embody their convictions within the surrounding culture. The question many have, however, is how to do that. What follows are just a handful of practical suggestions.
What churches shouldn’t do
But first, a suggestion about what not to do.
Following the Obergefell v. Hodges decision in 2015, many churches that oppose same-sex marriage sought to avoid participating in same-sex weddings. They amended their bylaws to include a definition of marriage and a prohibition against their clergy performing same-sex ceremonies, as well as prohibiting their facilities being used for the same.
Some of those churches thought these bylaw amendments were all they had to do in response to same-sex marriage. They were wrong. Some also thought updating their governance was all they had to do to demonstrate their estimation of marriage. They were equally wrong.
Churches that do not affirm same-sex marriage ought to make their convictions clear, whether in bylaws or otherwise. No one should have to guess where a church stands on something as significant as marriage.
But churches should not think state and federal laws and church bylaws are sufficient for expressing respect for marriage.
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What churches should not do is formalize their convictions in governing documents and then wash their hands. They also should not go back to business-as-usual pre-Obergefell and the Respect for Marriage Act. This amounts to a sort of head-in-the-sand approach to the world as it now is. Or worse, a grumbling do-nothingism unbecoming of Christ’s church.
What churches can do
By contrast, churches must follow the example of Jesus, who took on human flesh and lived in this world as it is. He walked into difficult situations more often than he avoided them. He touched people the religious establishment despised. He ate with them, and I’m certain he laughed with them. He told them to sin no more, and he forgave them.
Churches of every stripe can live more like that.
They also can practice their convictions about marriage in positive and practical ways.
Premarital counseling
Churches that value marriage need to enable the best possible start to each one they have the privilege to foster. One way they can do this is to invest in premarital counseling.
Often, the pastor is the default premarital counselor, but a church that values marriage ought to have a more robust program than that. It ought to carve out money in the budget, time on the calendar and space in the building for couples to receive the best preparation for marriage a church can provide.
It ought to enlist as mentors some in the church who have demonstrated years of faithful marriage through the trials and triumphs of life—whether those people are still married or not. A widow or widower has much to teach a young couple about marriage “until death do us part.”
And it ought to be offered to couples inside and outside the church.
What sort of premarital counseling or mentoring does your church provide?
Marriage enrichment
Churches that value marriage need to look for ways to enable couples to strengthen and possibly revive their marriages. Marriage enrichment programs and events can accomplish this.
For marriage to stand the test of time and all the trials time brings, married couples need support from others. They need cheerleaders and coaches. They need accountability and community. They need the resources marriage enrichment can provide.
Like premarital counseling, marriage enrichment should be built into a church’s budget, calendar and space requirements. It should be held by the church as an ongoing commitment and should be offered to couples inside and outside the church.
Not every church on its own can afford marriage enrichment programs and events. Not to worry. Churches can join together—like local Baptist associations do—to put on events or facilitate an ongoing program.
What is your church doing to enrich marriages?
Child care
Churches that value marriage need to look for ways to enable couples to maintain the health of their marriages. One way to do this is to provide child care on a regular basis for those with children so the couple can spend focused time together.
Once again, child care needs to be built into the church’s budget, calendar and space requirements. For churches unable to afford providing child care, there’s good news. Just like with marriage enrichment, churches can join together to share the investment and joy of child care.
Churches can make a profound statement about the significance of marriage by providing a young couple with the periodic nights of child care.
How is your church enabling young couples to keep their marriages strong?
Disagreeing with the Respect for Marriage Act is one thing. Showing respect for marriage is another. There are positive and winsome ways to do so. Let’s invest more in them.
Eric Black is the executive director, publisher and editor of the Baptist Standard. He can be reached at [email protected]. The views expressed are those solely of the author.
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