Commentary: Finding your friends

This article is 5 of 9 in the Leading from the Center series by three writers.

For centrists, finding friends is tricky sometimes.

Friendships are easy when people click. But sometimes people clash. Since centrists don’t toe any party’s line, centrists are likely to clash with people to both the right and the left. Moreover, the people with whom we often clash are known more for their zeal than for their courtesy. With all that clashing, friendships can be hard.

Friendships for centrists are hard, also, because people can’t figure centrists out. Frankly, we sometimes disappoint people.

As an example, consider an ordained, female preaching pastor who holds a traditional view of sexuality, who is involved in serious work toward racial equality, and who believes our No. 1 responsibility as Christians is personal evangelism. She’s a centrist, and she is going to confuse a lot of people.

I remember well the time I lost a friend because she was so disappointed with me. She had heard me preach about the sin of racism and had made an assumption about my convictions on other topics. When she heard me express my traditional—I believe, biblical—convictions on sexuality a year later, she was stunned and eventually left the church I served.

It’s hard for centrists to find friends, because of the inevitable clashes and because we are so hard to pigeonhole. But we need friendships … even when those friendships don’t come easily.

Friends centrists need

It’s good to have friends with varying opinions so as to avoid echo chambers and filter bubbles.

More and more people seem interested only in consulting news sources and having friends who confirm the views they already hold. Seriously considering new ideas, after all, can be uncomfortable. One way to remain as objective as possible, however, is to cultivate friendships with people whose opinions don’t echo our own.

It’s also good to have friends we don’t naturally like, because those friendships build character.

I love the story told by Arthur Paul Boers in Never Call Them Jerks about Gurdjieff, the facilitator of an intentional spiritual community in Europe. One of the members of that community was a crotchety guy no one liked. Finally, the curmudgeon grew so tired of being marginalized he left the community altogether.

Everyone was relieved the pain-in-the-neck had gone. Everyone except Gurdjieff. Gurdjieff followed the malcontent to Paris and offered to pay the guy to come back, even though all the other students were paying to be there.

Well, when the cranky old man agreed to return to the community, the others were outraged, particularly when they found out he was being paid to return.

Gurdjieff explained to those who complained: “You came to me so that I could help you work on your maturity, the development of your character. You need this man among you so that you will learn patience and compassion” (p. 119).

Spiritual maturity comes from the discipline of choosing as friends some with whom friendship is difficult. And, let’s be honest, some people find it difficult to be friends with you and me.

Finding and keeping friends

How do we find and keep friends? Here are two suggestions.

Leave the drama to daytime TV.

Scripture says:

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11, NIV).

“Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments” (2 Timothy 2:23, NIV).

“Avoid foolish controversies” (Titus 3:9, NIV).

It’s hard to imagine why, but I once sat through a documentary about walruses. It was surprisingly fascinating to watch male walruses fight for a center place on their small, floating chunks of ice.

That center place really is not better than any other spot on the little iceberg. But, apparently, it is a place of walrus prestige. So, they cut each other with those giant two teeth, and they body slam each other over the right to sit five feet closer to the middle.

Have you ever fought for the center place on a minor iceberg? I’m afraid I have.

Some things are not worth fighting over. Getting ourselves worked up over something that really is not significant does no one any good. When it is possible to overlook an offense, that’s usually best. And overlooking offenses is critical for centrists who want to expand their circle of friends.

Extend a hand.

Back when the Southern Baptist schism was but an early crack, one of my legendary predecessors at First Baptist Church in Huntsville, Ala., did an interesting thing. At the 1981 annual meeting of Southern Baptists, Ralph Langley nominated Abner McCall—then immediate past president of Baylor—for president of the SBC. McCall lost the election to Bailey Smith, a really conservative pastor from Oklahoma.

Then Ralph, God bless him, turned around and immediately invited Bailey Smith to preach a revival at First Baptist Huntsville, and Bailey accepted.

Ralph’s nomination of Abner McCall and his subsequent invitation to Bailey Smith helped shape the church I serve into the centrist congregation it is today.

The kingdom of God moves along the rails of relationships. Alliances and partnerships are critical if we are to make a difference in the world. And friendships feed our souls.

But, for centrists, finding friends is tricky sometimes.

Travis Collins is senior pastor of First Baptist Church of Huntsville, Ala. The views expressed are those of the author. This article is 5 of 9 in the Leading from the Center series by three writers.