After more than a month of New York living, I feel like I don’t stand out quite so much anymore. Things have become more consistent, and I teach English-as-a-Second-Language classes in the evenings Monday through Thursday. Still, even though I’m settled into a routine, I experience moments of being overwhelmed.
One evening, I was scheduled to teach ESL, and as the women began to enter the room, all I could think is, “I don’t want to be here.” I tried to reason away this awful feeling, telling myself: “Well, you have been put in charge of more things. You really have been working hard.” But those thoughts just saddened me. The only thing I could think was to retreat. So, I ran to the bathroom, where at least no one else could see me for a moment. Staring in the mirror, the only words I could get out were, “God help me.”
I would love to say that at this moment peace flooded over me, and a joy about teaching ESL again suddenly was there. But that’s not what happened. However, I am glad it didn’t happen that way. I feel that often there is more joy in receiving the help after you are given the chance to be obedient. There is a sense of intimacy that comes with choosing God because he is God rather than because the warm feelings of his blessing.
I returned to the class, and one of my favorite students, Oumou, was running late. So, I got to read a book with one of the student’s little girls. Seeing this child delight in the fact that I was listening to her and answering all her funny questions reminded me why I was there.
When Oumou arrived I worked with her again. While working with Oumou I still wasn’t all that excited to be teaching, but I understood the importance of what I was doing. And it was in fact quite rewarding just to work with such grateful students.
As we came to a close God showed me something extremely awesome—a glimpse of his faithfulness. I had been trying to meet for a visit with Oumou, and she had been busy. But this particular night, she asked if I could give her my number again, and she asked when I could come over to her house.
God never gave me a warm fuzzy feeling that night. And teaching wasn’t the easiest that night. But God was faithful. God moved a heart to be open that I could have never moved. Faithfulness is an attribute of God, and I praise him for his faithfulness. Psalm 37:3 says, “Trust in the Lord, do good, dwell in the land and feed on his faithfulness.”
Amber Fritzsching, a student at Stephen F. Austin State University, is serving on an Urban Impact Team in New York with Go Now Missions.
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