Houston: Don’t refine me; I’m on mission

Last week, I participated in a mission trip here in Houston. Although I have “missionary” in my intern title, I hadn’t been a part of a short-term mission experience since the beginning of college. Honestly, past experiences left me with some residual inadequacy and identity issues.

As the time approached for me to lead a couple of the college students during spring break, I carried some anxiety, but also a strong desire not to bring my “mission trip baggage” along for the week.  After talking to a counselor, I felt better prepared to handle whatever was thrown my way because of the truth of Romans 5:3-5. It says: “We also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

Jakora Frazier (left) learned God could refine her while at the same time using her in missions service.In addition to trying to work through old experiences, I was wary of doing ministry with my fiancé, who worked closely with the church directing the mission trip. How was I supposed to act as he led the group? After communicating my concerns to my husband-to-be, I sat before the Lord, writing down copious amounts of Scriptures that reminded me of who God is, aligning my heart and mind with God’s will and his desires for my life.

I actively engaged with God through prayer and Bible reading, communicated with those around me rather than hiding my feelings, and had faith that God would bring me through the week. And God did—just not the way I expected. He not only chose to sustain me throughout the week, but also to refine me.

Jakora Frazier poses with a couple of kids who helped write a rap song to tell a Bible story.All of the junk in my heart—selfishness, fear, pride, anger, insecurities and so forth—did not just silently dissipate. It was as if all of my foolishness wanted to make one last public debut before this particular process of sanctification was complete. So, here I am in the middle of this mission trip, in the middle of trying to be a good campus missionary, in the middle of trying to be a good fiancée, and I cannot seem to bury all this foolishness.

I was so confused, because I gave everything to the Lord, and I still saw my sin both glaring and affecting others. I felt like Paul in Romans 7, wracking my brain as to why I could not just get it together. I humbly confessed to others and repented to God for my sinfulness.

In the process, I learned some things:

• My fiancé is a saint. If I ever needed confirmation he will die to self for the sake of loving me, even—especially—when I don’t deserve it, it was this past week. And he only illuminated the mystery of Christ and the church—that Christ would die for an undeserving, unfaithful bride is a beautiful enigma. Glory to God!
• The Lord is sovereign in how he chooses to refine us. I didn’t want my fiancé or my students or anyone else to have to deal with—or have any knowledge of—my mess in this purifying process, but what if all of it was more than just about me and my sanctification? Is it possible that God wanted his strength to be made perfect in my weakness, so others would see him glorified in my struggle? Is it possible that my fiancé could be bold in loving me, and that my students could see how God can work through his children even when he decides to work in his children?
• God doesn’t need us to set aside our weaknesses so he can use us. He can choose to refine us as we serve him. Proof: The mission experience itself was great. Somehow, by God’s grace and mercy, my service wasn’t negatively affected by this inner turmoil the way I feared it would. It’s not because I hid it well. It’s because God can handle using me and sanctifying me simultaneously—because he is God. Yes, be present, yes, be faithful, but ultimately, trust God’s goodness, grace and timing with the process of sanctification.
• God is faithful. Because of this mission experience, I got to see this even more clearly than before. He is the hope that never disappoints. And for this I rejoice.

“May the God of peace himself sanctify you wholly; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who called you is faithful, and he will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24).

Jakora Frazier is serving as a campus missionary intern at Houston Baptist University.