Oregon: Happiness not tied to a place

I’m going to be honest. I think the biggest lesson God has taught me this summer in Portland so far is not what I was expecting to learn at all.

Shelby ByrdFor most of my life, I have had the little pet sins of despair and anger and basically being angry at the fact that I’m so sad. The past few months leading up to this trip, I had convinced myself that maybe, just maybe, when I got to Portland, then I would be happy—really happy for the first time in God knows how long. 

As you may guess, that wasn’t the case. Almost immediately after landing, all the numbing sadness came flooding back even stronger than before. I haven’t felt these levels of despair sense middle school, and it terrified me. It got really difficult to get up in the morning and go downtown and follow God to whoever he wanted me to love that day. I just wanted to hide under anything I possibly could and not interact with anybody. 

I feel God holding me

But God kept bringing me to traveler after traveler, all obviously looking for something or desperately running from something. I didn’t notice this was happening for the longest time, but one guy we’ve been hanging out mentioned a book he really wanted to read about traveling philosophy. So, I bought it and have been reading it most of the summer. And through this book and all my mini-adventures with these vagabonds, I have begun to feel God holding me more and more. 

I had been associating some physical, geographic location with where I thought I would finally find God’s presence. I have been just like the people God has been bringing me to. And one afternoon, while I was hiding along the wall at a coffee shop behind a travel book and a cup of coffee, God smacked me across the face in that most loving and gracious way only God can. 

‘Your happiness is in me’

“Shelby, obviously you’ve learned your happiness isn’t in Portland,” he seemed to say. “It’s not back in Texas, either. It’s not anywhere here on Earth. Your happiness is in me. It’s only ever been in me. Just be with me. I just want you to be my sweet little innocent Shelby. Can you be that?”

What can I say to that other than yes? 

Sadly, I wasn’t immediately the most joyful person to ever live right at that moment, but I knew where to go. It’s been a slow, deliberate climb these past few days, and it has been so sweet. 

One morning, the team went on a hike for part of our day off to go overlook the ocean. When we got to the end of a cliff, I stood on the edge, and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t wonder what it would be like to just fall off and not be so sad anymore. I had no idea how liberating that would feel! It was such a short, quiet moment, but I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.

God is so good and nothing is sweeter than standing in awe at his presence. Wherever my Father is, I am home.

Shelby Byrd, a student at the University of North Texas, is serving in Portland, Ore., with Go Now Missions.