Loss and grief during the holidays are important, especially when we experience changes that impact our holiday experiences. We honor and count on those in ministry who show up at those times when we most need a tangible presence of God. My best friend used to call that: “God with skin on.”
Helpers through loss
Transitions embody change requiring adjustment and adaptation. One balm for the pain of transition and change is ritual. We rely on tradition and on the rituals of those who have gone before us to provide structure and constancy in the transitions of life.
Often, our religious leaders shepherd us through the rituals and traditions that provide reassurance when things are most unsure. For example, when we encounter life-threatening illness or disability, it is often the hospital chaplain who sits with patients and their family members when the death of a loved one approaches.
At the time of a death, it is often the minister we call to be with us to comfort us with the practices of our faith. It is often the minister who sits with us as we begin to believe it is real, and who gathers our stories, asks about our favorite Scriptures and hymns, and prepares the funeral remembrance guided by the rituals and expectations of our faith.
Chaplains and ministers are present in the tragedies of life: on the battlefield, in schools where there has been a shooting, at scenes of devastation where both survivors and first responders grapple with the unthinkable. They whisper the words of our faith, give words to the prayers we struggle to pray, help us begin to breathe again, hold our hands, and remind our hearts we are loved by God who will not forsake us.
The work of loss and grief is challenging because it is so painful, both for those who are dying and for those who will be left behind without them.
At this time of year, our expectations of holidays are that they somehow will be holy days when blessings abound, the promise of God is felt among us, and we believe our focus on gratitude will lift us above our circumstances.
It is particularly difficult when those things are not true and our reality—such as death and grief—flies in the face of our expectations for celebration, joy and making new memories with family members.
Possibilities for ministry through grief
There are a number of ways our religious leaders may help us through these difficult days. The following are not prescriptions, but are possibilities.
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Be aware of your own losses and grief and how that is impacting you. How are you modeling the tenets of acknowledging the loss, feeling the feelings, reaching out to a trusted colleague or friend for a listening ear, honoring the life of the person who is gone? Who else on your ministerial staff or team is grieving a loss this holiday season? Who is ministering to them?
Prayerfully consider and tune in to those you minister to and the experience of “celebrating the holidays,” and which rituals might bring pain and which often bring comfort. Make a list of those who may need special ministry this season and who on the staff might best reach out to them.
Work with your staff—professional and volunteer (deacons, elders and others)—to offer options within the religious or worship community to acknowledge the reality of loss and possible approaches for managing it.
Options for acknowledging and managing grief
• Share your own experience with loss and the holidays, how you navigated those challenging days, and how you might do things differently now.
• Offer a church or community memorial, candle lighting or memory service in which those who are grieving are provided a time together to speak the names of those who will not be present with them this year.
• Offer opportunities to provide memorial gifts, flowers or other naming opportunities to honor the lives and memories of those who died in the past year.
• Send cards or letters to survivors on major holidays all year long, particularly including the major cultural holidays. Examples might include Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Easter and All Saints Day. Perhaps some in the church would help with this work.
• Contact the survivor for a visit by phone or in person. Ask about their favorite memories with the person they are grieving, how the holiday will be different, and what they are most concerned about.
• For older adults, offer transportation assistance for nighttime special services so they can attend. Extend an invitation to families to “adopt” those who will be alone on the holiday.
• Recognize and validate the grief while providing opportunities for remembering well and healing.
• Consult with trusted colleagues who may have additional suggestions for you and your community of faith.
Showing God is with us
This is a full time with so much activity, responsibility, expectation and busyness. It is important to show up in ways that communicate “God is with us.”
People struggle with being alone at these times. Encourage them to be aware of the presence of God and the love of God’s people. Trust God to be God in those spaces. Be gentle with yourself and others. Take some deep breaths, and let your body feel the safety and reassurance.
Remember: We cannot be all things to everyone, but we can make the difference for the person in front of us in the moments God provides.
Most of all, teach by modeling to adjust your expectations from perfection to presence, from health to healing, and from success to peace.
Helen Harris is a clinical social worker and retired associate professor who served 25 years in Baylor University’s Diana R. Garland School of Social Work. Her practice and research have focused largely on loss and grief and the integration of faith and social work practice. The views expressed are those of the author.
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